Realisation:
How to Handle the Most Difficult Person(s) in Your Life
some tricks to see past the delusion of anger



I found this post in my weekly thedailyenglightenment.com email, which often has interesting dharma movie bits and fine zen quotes. I repost here without permissions, thus happy to take it down.

It is a most ironic "illusion" that there are many difficult people in our lives out there, especially while the most difficult person is the most immediate but continually missed one. Now, who is this person so close yet so far? It is none other than you! No, not me, him or her, but you. (Of course, when I read "you" to myself, it refers to me!) Due to the deep-seated tendency to self-rationalise, the person least likely to admit one's mistakes could be oneself. We might think we have got most, if not all things right. But that's self-deception - especially when we are obviously unhappy. If we are so right in the way we see and handle everything, how could it be that we are not happy? Surely, if truth is totally on our side, there would naturally be happiness.

The ones who really make our lives difficult are us - because we choose to react negatively to those around us. Obviously, to react negatively to those neutral or positive to us is downright foolish. So is it not alright to react negatively to those difficult to us? It might be "natural" in terms of force of habit, but it doesn't make it wise or right. When we react negatively, we are hurting ourselves, when our intention is to hurt others. We will definitely succeed doing the first, while there is no guarantee for the latter. Ironic isn't it? Since the one being difficult is suffering, we should focus on being compassionate, not difficult! The truth is, psychologically, no one can hurt us, other than ourselves choosing to let ourselves be hurt. Just as we perceive it wrong for others to hurt us, it is first and foremost wrong to ourselves to hurt ourselves.

Our suffering can be related to our karma in many ways. First, it can be an effect of our past unwholesomeness. Second, it can be an instant effect of the present unwholesomeness of our reaction. Third, it can be a combination of the duo. In other words, at times, we aggravate and perpetuate our own suffering when we react unwholesomely to suffering. It's a vicious downward-spinning spiral. When we mindfully train to sever or reduce the second form of suffering, much suffering is reduced. In fact, when we master the art of not reacting negatively to suffering by realising the unsubstantial transience of suffering, whatever remaining suffering becomes powerless in making you unhappy. When you are less of a difficult person to yourself and others, your world "magically" has less difficult people – because your "difficulty" is the centre of it all. -Shen Shi'an

And this:

"One attached to personal delusions cannot be liberated by the impersonal truth." - stonepeace

Thus we turn inward and then outward again, using knowledge to gain experience and experience to gain wisdom.

Labels: buddhism, liberation, peace, philosophy

No Trace
Living an Honest, Simple Life
From a Note My Two Meter Israeli Theravada Monk Teacher Gave Me

"When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself."

When we practice, our mind is calm and quite simple. But usually our mind is very busy and complicated, and it is difficult to be concentrated on what we are doing. This is because before we act, we think, and this thinking leaves some trace. Our activity is shadowed by some preconceived idea. The thinking not only leaves some trace or shadow, but also gives us many other notions about other activities and things. These traces and notions make our minds very complicated. When we do something with a quite simple mind, we have no notion or shadows, and our activity is strong and straightforward. But when we do something with a complicated mind, in relation to other things or people, or society, our activity becomes very complex.

Most people have a double or triple notion in one activity. There is a saying, "To catch two birds with one stone." That is what people usually try to do. Because they want to catch too many birds they find it difficult to be concentrated on one activity, and they may end up not catching any birds at all! That kind of thinking always leaves its shadow on their activity. The shadow is not actually the thinking itself. Of course it is often necessary to think or prepare before we act, but outright thinking will not leave any shadow. Thinking which leaves a trace comes out of your relative confused mind. Relative mind is the mind which sets itself in relation to other things, thus limited itself. It is this small mind which creates gaining ideas and leaves traces of itself.

If you leave a trace of yourself on your activity, you will be attached to the trace. For instance, you may say, "This is what I have done!" But actually it is not so. In your recollection you may say, "I did such and such a thing in some certain way," but actually that is never exactly what happened. When you think in this way you limit the actual experience of what you have done. So if you attach to the idea of what you have done, you are involved in selfish ideas.

Often we think what we have done is good, but it may not actually be so. When we become old, we are often very proud of what we have done. When others listen to someone proudly telling something which he has done, they will feel funny, because they know his recollection is one-sided. They know that what he has told them is not exactly what he did. Moreover, if he is proud of what he did, that pride will create some problems for him. Repeating his recollections in this way, his personality will be twisted more and more, until he becomes quite a disagreeable, stubborn fellow. This is an example of leaving a trace of ones thinking. We should not forget what we did, but it should be without an extra trace. To leave a trace is not the same as to remember something. It is necessary to remember what we have done, but we should not become attached to what we have done in some special sense. What we call "attachment" is just these traces of our thought and activity.

In order not to leave any traces, when you do something, you should do it with your whole body and mind; you should be concentrated on what you do. You should do it completely, like a good bonfire. You should not be a smoky fire. you should burn yourself completely. If you do not burn yourself completely, a trace of yourself will be left in what you do. You will have something remaining which is not completely burned out.

Our approach is just to be concentrated on a simple basic practice and a simple basic understanding of life. There should be no traces in our activity. We should not attach to some fancy ideas or to some beautiful things. We should not seek for something good. The truth is always near at hand, within your reach.

You should not have any remains after you do something. But this does not mean to forget all about it. If you understand this point, all the dualistic thinking and all the problems of life will vanish.

Note: I don't know who wrote this, but the quote about the bonfire is from Shunryu Suzuki's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind.

Labels: buddhism, mind, simplicity